Solanum Virus confirmed as the cause for "Zombie" attacks

The CDC has confirmed that these recent “zombie-like” attacks were not caused by drug influence. They advise people not to worry. They are currently working on a source for the mystery rash from a few weeks ago. Reports of other attacks have been spreading to other parts of the South. In Louisiana, 43-year-old Carl Jacquneaux, of Lafayette Parish, is accused of biting off a chunk of his neighbor's face. Once again, the CDC advises people to remain calm. They do not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).

Special News Bulletin- The CDC has confirmed the new existence of the “solanum” virus (LQP-79). Symptoms include—

 Hour 1: Pain and discoloration (brown-purple) of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound (provided the infection came from the wound.

Hour 5: Fever (99-103 degrees F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting, acute pain in the joints.

Hour 8: Numbing of the extremities and infected area, increased fever (103-106 degrees F), increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination.

Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate.

Hour 16: Coma.

Hour 20: Heart stoppage. Zero brain activity.

Hour 23: Reanimation

Quarantine zones have been established in Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, and Tennessee after previous victims have all exhibited “extreme aggressive behavior”. If you live in any of these areas, please be advised that evacuation checkpoints are being set up at the borders. Evacuation plans include northward movement to New York, and internationally to London, England and Rio de Janiero, Brazil.